Da Uber Scary Diary of Visser Three
by Birdie num num
Summary: Visser Three's own personal, and Visserly diary! Digitally remastered! ... Okay, not really. But see the secrets! Feel the passion! And generally have a good laugh.
1. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi! Alloran

DISCLAIMER: No. I don't own Animorphs. Or this insane Visser. (Thank God!)  
  
Introduction... ***  
  
(Star wars music playing. Visser Three humming.)  
  
don don don dooooon! dooooooon! doo doo doo doooooo doo! doo doo doo doooo doo! doo doo dooo dooooo!  
  
(A long...long time ago...in a galaxy far...far away-)  
  
*Chapman opens door*  
  
"Uh, Visser?"  
  
*Visser Three wearing Darth Vader helmet with holes in top for eyestalks stands up, holding little Jabba the Hut and Luke Skywalker figurines. His tailblade reaches over and turns off surround system*  
  
(What. THE HELL. Could you possibly want right now?!)  
  
"We, uh, have destroyed the dome ship."  
  
*Takes off helmet. Eyes shining* (REALLY?!)  
  
"Y-yes."  
  
(OH GOODY! Whoo hoo! VICTORY DANCE! GO MEEE! GO MEEE! WELL, AND THE EMPIRE! AND THE EMPIRE! BUT MOSTLY MEEE! Now leave...)  
  
"But, uh...we...uh...uh...uh..."  
  
*Visser sighs* (Bunch of incompetent retards always bothering me...WHAT? WHAT IS IT?!)  
  
"We...we have the fighter of Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul, Visser."  
  
(WHEEEE!) *Visser throws action figures away, rips of black cape and belt with 'lightsaber'*  
  
*Dances out of room* (OW! BABY!) *Begins singing in thoughtspeak. (I FEEL GOOOD! DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOO! I KNEW THAT I WOULD! DOO DOO DOOO DOO DOO DOOO! SO GOOD! UH! SO GOOD!...)*"kisses" Chapman* (OW!)  
  
*Singing fades as he goes down hallway.* 


	2. Visserly Indigestion

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, didn't write 'em, just love 'em!

Okay. Sorry if the introduction was a little...bizarre. And short. By now, I hope you've noticed that the diaries of Ax and V3 are going along with the story, starting with the crash.

I hope nobody ever takes anything I write offensively. I don't mean to verbally abuse any group, sex, race, religion, or country. I just have a very crude humor at times, so excuse my sniping please!

Well, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!

This is dedicated to all the fans of Ax's Diary! I hope you like this one too!

Love yaz! And here we gooo!

Entry 1

I am Esplin 4966 or...wait...is it 9466? Or nine seven six...oh hell.

I AM VISSER THREE!

There, that's better.

I am very proud of myself. I've come along way.

Thanks to ME, that is.

Oh shut up Alloran! So what if you're the only Andalite host in the Empire?

What do you mean the Council just likes my host?

That's not true! They promoted me because...because...

I'M A NICE PERSON! Ah haa! Yeah!

The people love me!

Stop laughing! It's true!

Hah! I'll show you!

(CHAPMAAAAN!)

"Yes Visser?"

(Do you wuv me Chapman?) Visser stares with big green eyes

"Uh. Well...uh...uuuhhh..."

Eyes roll (This is not a trick question, Chapman.)

"Uh... Yeah! I mean! YES! OF COURSE I LOVE YOU VISSER!" Chapman's eyes sparkle

Visser's nose wrinkles. (EEW! YOU'RE GAY! GET OUT!)

Quickly "Yes Visser."

Ah, brotherly pool love! So nice! Makes me feel all cozy inside the black hole of my heart!

See Alloran. I'm more loved than you are!

You gonna cry Alloran? Huh? You gonna squirt some? Huh? What Alloran, what?

Hmph! Stupid andalite trying to make me feel bad! Hah! I showed him.

Geez. Give a Visser a break! I already feel bad! In my tummy.

I did something naughty.

Hee hee!

I ate Elfangor.

I made a cheesy joke line while I did. Something along the lines of "That's taking a bite out of your enemies". I don't know. Something really gay like that.

I was hiding my pain.

Don't look at me like that! It's not like I just ate him! I gave him a choice!

Stupid snobby Elfangor! He could have been my Luke Skywalker fancy parody slave forever. We could have conquered the universe! Me in my helmet. Him in that...oh yes...that shirt. But noooo! He wouldn't play kinky Star Wars dress up games with me! He was too "noble" for that!

So he had to die!

Hmm...probably shouldn't have eaten him though. Yeesh! Bad judgement on my part. Startin' to feel a BIT QUEASY!

Been having pret-ty bad constipation since then. Got stuck on the old crapper for about an hour last night.

Hmm. Probably overdid it when I got angry about those Andalite bandits nearby getting away and started stomping and eating my own soldiers.

Ugh...man...they were all so greasy and fatty. Maybe I ought to start a "Take Care of your Host's Weight" Campaign. Might just help my image...

Hmm...or might just be time for Empire funded Anger Management for Vissers classes...again...

Gotta go...Visserly duties calling...and gastro-intestinal host problems...

- Visser Three

Okay. Sorry if that was disturbing.

CAN'T HELP M'SELF! OWW BABY!

Sorry, but as I said before, I'm sick.

Mmkay!


	3. Anger Management 101

DISCLAIMER: Same disclaimer as usual.

Hope you liked the first. Here's the 2nd!

Entry 2

Watched kinky anda porn disk I found in Elfangor's fighter before I blew it to smithereens. (Elfangor's fighter! Not the disk!) Kind of monotonous, really. A bunch of female Andalites getting tied to trees with vines, then mounted. Got bored. Alloran seemed to enjoy it.

Alloran is much more passive now, though. Hasn't fought back as much as usual. Getting a little worried...

They're very obssessed with big rears, these male andalites. Kept seeing close ups of booties on disk. My small Yeerk mind found this most disturbing.

Apparently the basic idea of mammalian reproduction is to spend months just growing the brats in a biological oven and then the female has to push it out, which sometimes takes several agonizing hours. Stupid mammals. PARASITES RULE!

Went to Anger Management 101 for Vissers on Tuesday night, at the Pool ship. Was most disturbing. Imagine an enclosed, metallic walled room full of angry Vissers, at different "decision stations ". I usually try to avoid this class. But as my "Visser Casualty Count" reached an all-time high this month, I was called the Council of Thirteen and given two choices. A month of these classes nightly was one choice. I won't mention the other one; it was rather obscene. So there I was, in Ms. Sweeny's clutches again.

"No no Esplin! We don't decapitate helpless subordinates. We gently try to ask them what their problem is and why they're so incompetent. We want worker cooperation. Not fearful obedience."

I nodded, then screamed at the dummy.

(WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM! WHY ARE YOU SO INCOMPETENT!)

She stared.

"Okaaaaay. That was...better. Now we don't scream it. We speak it, Esplin..."

Visser One, who stood in line for this station behind me smirked. "Duh, Esplin." She laughed derisively. "You moron!"

"Shut up!" I snapped, trying to ignore her for the billionth time. She was one of the main reasons I tried to avoid other vissers. Especially this accursed class!

"But since you didn't kill it this time, you get a gold star!"

"This is so retarded." Visser One muttered, shuddering.

That was the only time I ever agreed with her on anything.

I went to sit down. I looked back and saw her slapping the dummy; jabbing her thumbs into it's eyes. I smirked as Ms Sweeny shook her head. Ms Sweeny said something. Visser One flicked her off. Then Visser One kicked the dummy in the nuts. Visser One, scowling, sat down with no gold star. I gloated. She pinched my arm. I yelped.

"Now settle down everyone! Gather round! It's time to sing the Yeerk Empire Anthem of Brotherly Love!"

"What about Sisters!" Visser One snapped.

"Yeah!" Some other female Vissers said.

I snorted derisively. Feminists. As soon as I finished with the Andalites Bandits...

"Those too." Ms Sweeny said, speaking in a 'Calm down now!' type voice and looking a little afraid for the first time since I'd known her a whole year.

"Now lets all hold hands."

Several groans filled the room.

"Now don't make me call in the Council's guards again..." She said. Hork Bajir wearing the Council of Thirteen's colors, standing near the doors began to pull out electric batons and Dracon beams no doubtedly set on 'Stun'.

We all quickly held hands.

"Okay now, let's all sing!"

We sang incredibly off key, some Vissers quavering or muttering and most eventually fading out towards the end of the song. Ms Sweeny tried to direct us with a rah rah attitude, but to no avail.

You don't shoot

and I won't fire!

We're a happy

Yeerk Empire!

In a great big pool!

With an Andalite

for me and you!

Won't you say

You can staaaand

meee

toooooo!

"Yay!" The insane Yeerk with a small, blonde, human female kindergarten teacher for a host said.

"Can we leave yet?" Someone whined.

"No. I think we need to sing that again with a bit more spirit this time-"

I sent her a mental image of a very painful death via thoughtspeak and she got the picture.

" Or we could all go home." She said quickly. "You know, I think maybe you guys have shown enough spirit. Yeah..."

I ran gleefully down the hall to where my Blade ship was docked, knocking other vissers out of the way.

"Hey!"

"Watch it!"

I got to the door and it immediately opened for me. When we were in space above Earth again, Chapman asked me

"Well Visser, what did you learn today?"

(Honestly, I have no idea. BUT I GOT A GOLD STAR! SEEE!)

"Well. That's nice. We'll just put it on the control panel with the other...4 stars...so the Council's inspector can see."

(UH UUUHH!) I whined.

"Or...or you can put it somewhere else!" He said, snatching his hand away before I could lop it off in annoyance.

(NO! I want to put it on my tail blade!) I stuck the little gold star, somewhat ripped now, on the tip of my blade.

(Yay! Now it's pretty!) I said. (Seeee Chapman!) I shoved my tail blade in his face. Knocked him out with the flat of it. It was an accident. Really...

He's still lying there on the bridge. Maybe I better go send someone to go wake him up. Yeah. That might be a good idea...there's hungry Taxxon's on this ship...and gay predators...


	4. Visser Three Gets a Heart Almost

DISCLAIMADOR: El bano es muy stinko! La K.A. Applegate es la writadora de los Animorphos. Yo no soy. Yo soy una fanfictiona writadora. Yo no hablo espanol muy bien! Yo no give-o a crap-o what you think-o either-o.  
  
Okay. Now. Story time again!!!  
  
This is dedicated to Wraithlord, Jikano-chan, Mortathar, and Anonymous-cat.  
  
Enjoy, ma peeps!  
  
Entry 3  
  
Chapman got RAPED!  
  
Huh. What do you know? Somebody actually found him attractive. Don't know why the hell he's crying though. Last night was his lucky break!...Honestly, there's just no pleasing some people!...  
  
Got a note from the ship's psychiatrist an hour ago. Apparently Chapman has been in the fetal position for the past twenty minutes and won't speak to anybody under any sort of stimulus. They've even tried electric shocking, according to this note. Whooops! Probably shouldn't have left him out there as long as I did.  
  
He'd been blubbering all day, so I gave him a generous vacation to recover from this...tragedy...yeah...it's sad, and...junk...  
  
*sniff*  
  
So I felt one hour would be sufficient.  
  
Ah, well. Life goes on.  
  
At least, for me it does, anyway. And I'm all that matters.  
  
Am now working on my computer in my quarters.  
  
He should be back soon. Dammit, where's my Starbucks Java?! It's 6 o'bloody clock now! He got off at 5!  
  
*sob. sob* "V-visser?"  
  
"Ah, good! Chapman! Where's my coffee?"  
  
*sob, sob, sob.* "It...uhuuu huuu! It's right here! Oh my gosh!! AAAAHAAAAA! UUHUUUU!*  
  
I glared at him. He had sobbed all over my cup and napkins. The coffee was cold! What kind of subordinate was he?!  
  
(WAAAAAA!) I yelled at him, mockingly. He was being so annoying, though! (Somebody get the WAAAAMBULANCE!)  
  
He stared at me in shock. Then he began to sob harder.  
  
I slapped him with my tail.  
  
"Knock it off!"  
  
He sobbed softer.  
  
I slapped him again.  
  
"I said CUT IT OUT!!!" I screamed at him.  
  
He stopped sobbing. *sniff, sniff, sigh*  
  
(You know how lucky you are? Huh? Why the hell are you crying? You know how many losers in the Empire like you would like to get it in the...in the...never mind...and have an hour off?! Huh? Hah! And here I am, a Visser, and I have to work! Nooo! No rape compensation for me! And goodness knows I could get Alloran's fur highlights done with a bit of time!)  
  
He nodded. "You...you're so right Visser. I...I'm so sorry!"  
  
Ugh. He sobbed on my shoulder, wetting Alloran's fur.  
  
Alloran squealed squeamishly in my head. "UUUUuuugh! Get him off meeee!!!"  
  
I shoved Chapman away and he landed on the floor. He said. "I'm sorry. You're...uhuhuuu! You're quite right!" He lay there sobbing pathetically for a while.  
  
I finished sipping my coffee through and threw the cup at his head. (Done! Dispose of that for me will you Chapman? There's a good boy...)  
  
He managed to peel himself up off the floor, snot coming out of his nose. I shuddered as he wiped a long green bogie on the cup.  
  
(Yyyyguuuu! Yyyyelch!)  
  
It's amazing what I have to deal with on a regular basis!  
  
I watched him leave the room with my stalk eyes. I noticed he was walking with his legs slightly apart, kind of treading very carefully.  
  
(Uh...Chapman?)  
  
He stopped, turned a little. "Yes Visser?" He squeaked a little.  
  
(You haven't uh...been to the doctor yet, have you?)  
  
"Oh. I...uh...no. I mean, with your coffee orders and the Andalite bandits and the pool schedule, there hasn't really been any sufficient time to-"  
  
(Yeeees. Well... Just might want to get around to that. These human hosts get these nas-ty little diseases, you know...)  
  
"Well, I mean, I don't really know when, since you have me working most of the time and-"  
  
I went back to concentrating on the screen. (YEEEEeeeesss. I would simply love to talk to you about this, right now, but SO BUSY! So why don't you schedule something with the doctor, eh? Just not on MY time, huh?)  
  
He nodded. "Y-yes Visser."  
  
I turned and watched him leave. (Aww.) I thought to myself. (That poor, sad little man. I really ought to do something for him. A fruit basket maybe...or a nice Hallmark card. Hmm...maybe Dollar General. And sign it with my special signature. Or have my secretary do it for me.)  
  
I turned back to my AIM conversation with Cutieandachic and lilYeerkbabygurl.  
  
(Ah, but there's just noooo time for anything anymore, is there?!)  
  
***  
  
Isn't Visser Three such a kind, loving, caring person?  
  
Makes ya feel all gooey, and warm inside...  
  
WEll, hope ya liked it! 


	5. Psychiatrists, Marylin Monroe, and PROZA...

DISCLAIMER: I am not the creator of this awful, evil Visser. I just feel compelled to write about him. It's not really me, typing this. See, he's in my head, moving my limbs and stuff. No, really. Hee hee! Don't you seee? THEY'RE ALL IN MY HEAD! ALL OF THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!  
  
*Visser slaps Birdie num num.*  
  
Sorry. Thank you.  
  
*Visser.* (You're welcome.) *Mutters.*  
  
What?  
  
Okay! Okay! You'll get your crate of oatmeal in a minute! After I get this story okay?! Sheesh!  
  
Vissers! *Sigh*  
  
Nothing! I didn't say anything! Oh for crying out loud!  
  
Nooo no! I don't like Ax more than you! Oh stop being ridiculous! He's...never mind.  
  
I'm not telling you!  
  
It's confidential that's why!  
  
Ha! You can't! *Sings in na-na-na-naa tone* I've got earplugs! Heh heh!  
  
What? *Takes ear plugs out* Of course I know you're kidding!  
  
Yeah, yeah, I love you too! What? You want to do what with me? Heh heh...but wouldn't you need to morph for that?...Heh heh heh...Mmm...maybe later!  
  
Now let me type the story!  
  
AND Visser Three would like to dedicate this to...nobody but himself. Okay, that's...nice...  
  
Well I'd like to dedicate this to Victim-of-his-own, and all the other Visser lovers out there!  
  
Enjoy guys! Thanks for liking it and taking all the...time and...energy it takes... to review!  
  
Entry Whatever. I can't be bothered with numbers! I need to hire a Number Yeerk. Get someone to number stuff for me! Really, I'm a Visser! If other Vissers knew I was actually numbering my OWN diary, well, huh! They'd think I was...uncivilized! Or...something...I don't know...  
  
Hmm. Andalite bandits destroyed Kandrona. Created a little red tape what with the starving controllers and hosts going free and having to kill them and all.  
  
Not like it affects me.  
  
Huh.  
  
Well, I AM the Visser.  
  
See, there's these nice little things humans have developed.  
  
They're called jacuzzi's.  
  
Turns out they can hold a private Kandrona pool.  
  
Heh heh. Stupid Andalite bandits.  
  
Ahhh...yes....oooh, oh yeah...relaxing.  
  
Just fed. Nice and sludgy and squidgy. Alloran screamed like a girl when I went in his ear. Was a bit difficult as he is developing wax buildup in his ears. But hey, he's a pretty old guy. Hmm...probably need to hire Wax Buildup Remover Yeerk too.  
  
Or I really need to just get a new andalite host...yeah...that might help...  
  
Has proved to be quite difficult, though. Yeah, being morph capable, they kind of get away whenever I capture them. It's getting a bit annoying, really. Really rather disappointing.  
  
Must find anda porn disk and big screen t.v. to set up in woods. Hmm...worthy trap idea.  
  
Just might work...  
  
They're all a bunch of single males anyway; the military, I mean. They've got to get a little lonely now and then!  
  
Haven't written in a while. I think I'm getting an obssession with consuming andalite flesh. We found that the dome of the ship had sunk to the bottom of the ocean, and supposedly there were some Andalites in there. Well, the Andalite bandits found out too, and they rescued them.  
  
So there I was, chasing dolphins and a shark out to sea, getting ready to have a meal of Andalites. When they started wearing out, I actually honestly considered eating them. Got beat up by andalites in whale morph before I was able to though.  
  
Next time I see a Save the Whales campaign, I'm going to burn their little table, all their pamphlets and little buttons, and have the people either  
  
a. liquidated  
  
b. eaten by Taxxons  
  
or  
  
c. enslaved  
  
That'll teach those neurotic hippie ecology humans. Tree hugging, Bambi humping morons! AND those Andalite bandits!!!  
  
Huh! The nerve! SPERM whales.  
  
Heh..heh...heh....  
  
I'm sick.  
  
Which is why I went to my psychiatrist the other day.  
  
Dr. Nulsar 942 of the Plas-Uple Pool. He's quite helpful.  
  
(AND THEN I was following for about an hour in this morph, see, it's called the Mardrut. Ugly piece of crap, really. But anyway, I was following them.)  
  
"And who would this be?" He said.  
  
(Oh. Uh, the Andalite bandits.) I lied, my andalite host stretched out, on the red silk sofa, Dr Nulsar scribbling in his notepad.  
  
"Ah haaa....yes...I see....Andalite...bandits..." He scribbled some more. "Yyyeeesss."  
  
My eye twitched in annoyance. I covered it with my hand to stop it.  
  
"When did you get that twitch?"  
  
(Just now, really.)  
  
"Hmm..." Scribbling. "Says now...most likely developed over time due to immense stress. So these, Andalite bandits...they visit you often?"  
  
(Uh...well...not voluntarily...but-)  
  
"So you summon them?"  
  
(Uh...maybe...Actually, I haven't tried that. Hmm...)  
  
"Yes..." He was scribbling some more.  
  
(Kind of a wack plan really, but maybe some refinements...perhaps if I made a female thoughtspeak voice...)  
  
"Summons...'Andalite bandits'..." Still scribbling.  
  
(...sort of a damsel in distress thing going on maybe...hmm...just might work!) I sat up brightly.  
  
"Please Visser! Please! Lie back down!"  
  
I did.  
  
"Now tell me more about these bandits."  
  
(Ah, well. There's always this one-)  
  
"Yes?"  
  
(He's a sort of Aristh, or something. He looks like it.)  
  
"Does this Aristh remind you of someone?"  
  
I blinked. (Come to think of it...yeah...He does!) I desperately tried to think.  
  
"Someone from your past perhaps?!" The doctor sounded excited now, his pen poised above his notepad.  
  
(Well obviously!) I snorted. (It's just that face! It's sooo familiar! I just can't place it!!!) I said, frustrated. (What's that Alloran?)  
  
"Yes, that's excellent! Use your host! Try! Try to remember! Try to think!"  
  
(Oh...maybe some family resemblance or something...Oh shut up, Alloran! No one cares what you have to say! This is MY session! Schedule your own appointment. This is about ME remember?! I'M the psycho here! I'm the one with the mental problems, okay?! Not you! Stupid, whiny little attention seeker! MY medicine! MINE okay?! Not yours!)  
  
I sighed and gave up. (Ah, well! It doesn't matter!) I began to get up.  
  
"Wait! Wait! It's not over! The session is not complete!"  
  
(Yeees, it is.) I muttered and shoved him out of my way. He flopped over his desk and landed on the floor of the other side of it. (No more touchy feely feeling sharing! It's making Alloran's brain itch!)  
  
He struggled to get up.  
  
(Well?!) I said, getting very annoyed now.  
  
He looked puzzled. "What is it Visser?)  
  
(WRITE ME A PRESCRIPTION DAMMIT!) I hooked my tail blaid on his shirt collar and shook him about a little.  
  
Honestly, the incompetence I have to deal with! Can't even get some drugs!  
  
Hmm...may have to resort to the 'ol Quaker. The Yeerk Oatmeal heads say it has medicinal qualities. Even if it does drive you insane. Hmm...maybe in small amounts...  
  
I got back to my blade ship, and sat on my little throne on the ship's bridge.  
  
(WHERE ARE MY PILLS?!) I roared.  
  
A very timid Hork Bajir came forward and gently plopped a CVS Pharmacy bag on my lap. It accidentally TOUCHED MY ARM in the process.  
  
I knocked it away from me with my tail. I heard a scream as it fell back into some lady and knocked her into a Taxxon. I heard a sickening SPLOCH as it burst open. Clumsy broad! Honestly, what do you think's going to happen when you go clomping right onto a Taxxon? Stupid dame!  
  
A few seconds later a Taxxon Restraint Squad and a Clean Up Crew were being called by a voice with a nasal quality over the Blade's intercom.  
  
Note to self: destroy all hosts with nasal voices.  
  
Yes, that would have to be added onto my LIST OF VISSERLY DUTIES AND OTHER THINGS I HAVE TO DO.  
  
Right under KILL ANDALITE BANDITS!!!, and definitely just above FIND TIME MATRIX, GO TO 1950'S EARTH AND FIND AND KIDNAP MARYLIN MONROE.  
  
Yep. I'm gettin' there!  
  
Dr. Nulsar said 'Proper goal setting is the first step to discovering' my 'inner Yeerk.'  
  
Whatever the hell that means. All I get is the word 'goal setting'.  
  
I ripped my bag open and at least five little boxes of pills came out. I picked one up. It read PROZAC nicely on the front.  
  
(Oh goody! I've never had THESE before!) I swung my forehooves back and forward off the edge of the seat merrily.  
  
Chapman came over. "Oh hi Visser!"  
  
Ugh. Chapman. I muttered a greeting. He's been all optimistic lately. So disgusting! He probably got some from his host's wife's Yeerk. Word gets around the pool. Either that, or he's in the Oatmeal trade now...  
  
"I see you got some new pills!" He said brightly. "Enjoy!" He smiled away like a boyscout dad. I wanted to rip his cheesy head off, but I had just lost a Taxxon because of some WOMAN having her PERIOD, and like I said, my Casualty Count was getting quite high. Dangerously, glaring red lights, high. As in Ms. Sweeny high. Heh heh. Ms Sweeny, high. Like she'd even know where to put a joint...  
  
(Yyeah...they're mine...)  
  
He chuckled. "Well of course they are!" Ugh! He was so...smiley and cheerful!  
  
Must...break...HAPPY...SPIRIT!!!  
  
Fighting...urge...to...decapitate...  
  
Pills! Need PILLS!  
  
Yes...nice...lovely pills!  
  
"Now Visser..." He laughed cheesily.  
  
Must...escape...CHEESY...REALITY! AAAAAHHH!  
  
"Don't take more than you ought to. Remember last time!" He practically sang it.  
  
(Oh YEAH! MAN! That WAS fun!)  
  
"No! Visser! No!!!"  
  
Hee hee! Too late!  
  
***  
  
Chapman here.  
  
The Visser is just staring at me smiling now. I fear for his intelligence!  
  
It has been months since his last overdose!  
  
I've been better lately! Have taken the Visser's advice, and moved on to better, bigger things in life!  
  
He's so wise and wonderful, and mature and kind and caring and fatherly and elderly but not really old, and brotherly and...  
  
Sorry. Just thinking...  
  
Got to go! Visser is now giggling and trying to ride on back of Hork Bajir!  
  
No...wait...he's not trying to ride...oh dear... 


	6. Channeling Anger, Chapman in a Skirt, an...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Animorphs. Blah blah blah.

Well, after a long time of no Visserly twisted sick humor, here's some more for you guys and gals in fanfic reader land!

Enjoy!

**Entry It Really Doesn't Matter What Number Because I have a DATE!**

GHA! No luck with the Andalite bandits. Took control of a hospital. Didn't work out though. On one of our meetings Andalites infiltrated as roaches.

Dammit!

I told them to keep some Raid handy, but do they listen? Nooooo!

Some got in our hospital too. Boiled a whole bunch of Yeerks! Stupid Bandits! Dammit!  
  
Anyway, you can imagine how ticked off I was. I came back on the Blade in a rage and in my usual style, informally decapitated several of my least favorite subordinates.  
  
Add that to those I'd knocked off last time, and the 'dangerously high- glaring red lights' Casualty Count was over the limit.  
  
And so, it was another horrific trip to Sweeney...  
  
Since I'd already been there numerous times before, and hadn't shown any "promise" of "changing my character", I would be having a longer time in Sweeney land. And this time, I would have little 'homework' exercises to "be completed outside of the class setting".  
  
One such recent assignment was a poem expressing our feelings of inner rage.  
  
Heh heh heh.  
  
We all got to read ours aloud...  
  
Visser One's went something along the line of this,  
  
I, am Visser One. Not Visser Two or Three. And nobody else will ever, be Visser One like me,  
  
So if they ever try to, They can rest assure, That their carcass will float, endlessly in space, forevermore.  
  
A few Vissers clapped halfheartedly. Visser Two looked worried. I smirked.  
  
BOOO! THAT SUCKED ROYAL ANDALITE-  
  
"Now Visser Three." Sweeney said, smiling. "We want to, encourage, the...artistic creativity in ourselves, and others around us."  
  
Yeah, yeah, whatever. I said, playing with my daily star sticker.  
  
"We want to give critiques that are constructive, not desctructive."  
  
Mine was constructive.   
  
"No it wasn't!" Visser One snapped. "My feelings are hurt!" She added, looking at Sweeney with big, pitiful eyes.  
  
WHATEVER! YOU ARE SO FULL OF BULL-  
  
"Visser Three!" Sweeney, the Spawn of Satan said, pointing and shaking her finger in my face. "If I have to call you out again, I will take away your sticker!"  
  
NOOOO! I whined, wiggling in my seat uncomfortably. Okay okay! I'll be good! I'll be good!  
  
"There, now. I think Visser One's poem was very nice."  
  
"Thank you!" Visser One gushed fakely. Then her regular scowl returned as she went to her seat, socking me with her rolled up poem.  
  
Ooooh! I wanted to just jab my tail blade into her face and...  
  
"Would anyone else like to read their poem?" Evil Sweeney said.  
  
Everybody else looked uncomfortably at each other. With my eyestalks, I noticed one Hork-Bajir in the back quickly trying to scribble something in a notebook; obviously having not finished his homework the night before.  
  
What an idiot! Didn't these people know the value of the 'last minute the night before'?!  
  
I smiled confidently and got up and walked to the front of the class.  
  
"Very good Visser Three!" Sweeney said, cooing like she was talking to a three year old who'd just learned how to use the can right.  
  
Ahem. My poem is titled, "The Stabbing."  
  
Visser One smirked.  
  
Shut up! I snapped.  
  
"Now now Vissers!" Sweeney the Queen of All that is Evil, and of Darkness and Decay said. "We're channeling our anger, remember?"  
  
Yes, Ms. Sweeney! I said, playing the good little boy. I realize that I have done wrong by primitively and physically venting my anger on my subordinates.  
  
Sweeney had an 'Aww' look on her face. "There! See class! Visser Three has done just that, channeling his anger, and he's going to move on from our class soon!"  
  
Thank you Ms. Sweeney!  
  
Visser One made a gag noise and muttered. "Brown noser!"  
  
And you. I replied privately.  
  
She scowled even more, and slouched lower in her seat. Such a little hypocrite!  
  
"His poetry probably sucks crap!" She muttered.  
  
"Now, Visser One!"   
  
Visser One said nothing more.  
  
Anyways. I said, smugly. My poem is titled. 'The Stabbing'  
  
Ahem!  
  
I feel my tail blade,

As it jabs into your eye,

like a plastic fork,

in an apple pie!

I feel my tail blade,

As it lops off your hand,

And makes you scream,

Like a boy band.

I feel my tail blade,

As if falls upon,

Your stupid face,

And soon it's gone.

I like to stab things,

Because it's fun

I have a feeling,

I'm not the only one.

I will stab you,

If you make me mad,

Tail blades rock,

And Drugs are Bad.  
  
The End!  
  
I finished proudly.  
  
Tears were streaming down some Vissers' cheeks.  
  
"OATMEAL ROCKS!" Some moron yelled in the back.  
  
We all turned to stare for a few moments.  
  
"Well. Yes...indeed." Sweeney woman said. "That was very nice! Everyone clap for Visser Three, now!"  
  
Halfhearted claps ensued. Visser One stuck her thumbs up and cheered. "BOOOO!"  
  
Some Hork-Bajir yelled in the back. "WHOOO! Stabbing _is_ fun!"  
  
"You're not the only one Visser Three!" A female Hork-Bajir Controller called.  
  
Can I have your number?! I called back in reply, hopefully.  
  
"TAIL BLADES DO ROCK! GO ANDALITES!"  
  
It was the same Oatmeal Moron. We all stared again.  
  
I got the chick's number! WHOO! GO ME!  
  
She's Visser 27.  
  
Feeling sexy, I called her Blade ship right after Sweeney Time.  
  
Uh, hi, Visser 27?  
  
"IS THIS VISSER THREE?" A very, very nasal voice boomed.  
  
I winced. Ugh. Serious mood killer...  
  
Um, yeah.  
  
"VISSER 27 HAS BEEN WAITING FOR YOU. PLEASE WAIT WHILE I PUT YOU THROUGH! HANG ON ONE MOMENT PLEASE!" the nose declared, nearly deafening me.  
  
She came on. "Uh, Visser Three?"  
  
Yyyyyeah! Still here.  
  
"Oh, great. So...um..."  
  
Um... I said too.  
  
"You're poem was like...deep."   
  
Really? I felt fartled.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I was like, moved and junk..."  
  
Stop fartling me!  
  
Silence.  
  
"What?"  
  
You're fartling me!  
  
"Um, I think the term is 'flattered'. As in, I'm 'flattering' you."  
  
Whatever! Don't flatten me! Don't correct me either! I'm higher in rank than you are! Don't forget that!   
  
"Okaaay...sorry...sheesh..."  
  
So...uh. Do you want to watch a movie and all?  
  
"What, like, together?"   
  
No. APART. What the crap do you think?! Of course 'together'! Are you retarded or something?   
  
"Uh no...or...like...not to my knowledge or whatever...like...yeah..."  
  
I nearly groaned.  
  
Look, how old are you?  
  
Uh...three cycles. I just got promoted to this...  
  
I thought. _She's about half my age!   
_  
Probably fresh out of the pool.  
  
Sigh. Oh well. At least she wasn't still in school!  
  
Hey, I'm not a pedophile! Just because I'm a psychotic, deranged, mass murdering, Pervy-Luke-Skywalker-fancying Visser, doesn't mean I don't have my limits!  
  
So...what do you want to see?  
  
"Hmm...I don't know. How about 'Troy'?"  
  
I began to feel slightly suicidal.   
  
"Oooh! Or, I know, we could go retro and watch that old Yeerk cult classic! 'Attack of the Killer Zombie Vampire Andalite Babe Surfers that Happen to Also be Robotic!'"  
  
Uh, you know what? How about we don't watch a movie? Let's uh...well...I could...Oh! I could give you a tour of my ship...  
  
"Oh, okay...sure."  
  
My Blade ship was bound to be nicer than hers anyway so...  
  
"So...when?"  
  
Uh-uh. I don't know. How about next week?  
  
"Mmm...can't. Council summoned me."   
  
Damn! Well...maybe...the week after?  
  
"Sure! Maybe...let's see... I'm open Friday."  
  
Cool. Friday it is!   
  
We talked a little while longer. You know, the usual stuff you talk over with a total babe slug you like. Gossip about Council members and other Vissers. Pool gossip. The Kandrona emergency. Whether Bush would be reelected. (AS IF! Though humans are very strange...) Andalite bandits. That sort of thing. Then she had to go.  
  
Well, I'll see you next...or...no...next next Friday. She said.  
  
Awesome. I replied.   
  
I turned off the communication feeling pretty 'winner'.  
  
HOO yeah! I. Have. A. GIRLFRIEND!  
  
OOOh! AH! UH! Pelvic thrust.  
  
Gonna get laid, gonna get laid, gonna get laid, gonna get laid! Shooby dooby dooby doowap doowah!  
  
GO ME!  
  
Chapman came in. He looked concerned.  
  
"Visser, I just got your report card!"  
  
Uh oh...  
  
"And I'm very concerned-"  
  
Chapman! I must say, I don't care right now! As of next next Friday, I am fully dateling!  
  
"You have a date?" He looked surprised.  
  
Yes, I do. I said smoothly, admiring my reflection. Soooo pretty...  
  
"No, I mean, _you_ have a date?"   
  
I actually turned my head to look at him with my main eyes.  
  
What does THAT mean?  
  
"Oh...uh...n-nothing. Anyway. About your report card. Visser, you, ah, don't seem to be doing very well."  
  
What do you mean? My poem was fantastic!   
  
Oh, well you see, this isn't just from Anger Management. This is your Overall Visserly Assessment.  
  
I gasped. I ran over to him and snatched the paper. I quickly scanned it with all four eyes.  
  
It read...   
  
**GENERAL PERFORMANCE FOR VISSERS ASSESMENT**  
  
**SUBORDINATE DEATH COUNT FOR ASSESMENT PERIOD- 5,679 (BY EXECUTION)  
  
(IN BATTLE)- 234  
  
OVERALL ANDALITE BANDIT CAPTURE/KILL RATIO- O/O**  
  
I do capture them! I exclaimed. I just don't...keep them...  
  
"Well, they are a sneaky bunch. Those dastardly Andalite bandits." Chapman said soothingly patting my shoulder.  
  
Shut up.  
  
"Yes Visser."  
  
Stop touching me.  
  
"Ahem. Sorry Visser..."  
  
I read on...  
  
**OFFENSES TO OTHER VISSERS, AND HIGHER EMPIRE PERSONNEL:  
  
1)-**  
  
I did not call Visser One THAT!  
  
"Ah, yes you did actually Visser."  
  
I turned to him. Really?  
  
"Y-y-yes...I think so...last...Thursday it was..."  
  
Oh. Well, she shouldn't take things so seriously...  
  
**2)-**  
  
Okay, now that is an absolute dirty, filthy, stinking lie! I never said Council Member Seven was a two-hundred-fifty-pound-child-molester!  
  
"Actually-"  
  
Okay! Okay! So maybe I did! But I told her that in confidence! She wasn't supposed to go spouting off!   
  
"Visser, what I'm concerned about is your grades in Sweeney's class."  
  
But I wrote a pretty poem.  
  
He shook his finger at me. "Pretty poems don't make up for the fact that you urinated your name on the restroom wall."  
  
They don't?  
  
"No."  
  
Oh...   
  
"They had to scrub it all off, and nobody could use it for a few days, because the smell was too intense."  
  
Hee hee hee...  
  
"No no. That's not funny. It was naughty."  
  
Sowwy.  
  
"But that's not even all there is! Look here at Ms. Sweeney's comments.  
  
I quickly read them.   
  
I DO NOT 'REPEATEDLY DISRUPT THE ANGER DISSIPATING ENVIRONMENT!' I AM NOT 'CHILDISH!'  
  
"Visser-"  
  
WHAT? SHE SAID... I stared in shock at the last comment. She...she...she said I was an 'expendable class member'...   
  
"Visser. There, there. I'm sure she didn't mean it to hurt you. It's just constructive."  
  
NO! SHE HATES ME! SHE HATES ME BECAUSE I'M BLUE!  
  
I ran to my quarters.  
  
"Visser! Come back here!"  
  
NO! I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AGAIN!  
  
"But-"  
  
NEVER!   
  
I slammed the door.  
  
Then I slammed it again. Whee! So much fun!   
  
Then I went to fake cry on my bed. Hurrah pity parties! Hurrah for self- pity!   
  
Chapman came in.  
  
"Now you listen here, these grades need to be lifted, and the Council says until you pass Anger Management, you will have extra homework assignments!"  
  
THAT'S NOT FAIR! I screamed and threw my Luke Skywalker plushie at him.  
  
"That means this 'date' is a questionable spending of your time. I don't think you should have it!"  
  
WHAT?  
  
"You heard!"  
  
BUT I WUV VISSER 27! SHE'S PRETTY!   
  
"Pretty doesn't make her good enough for you, dear!" He said, and began to fold my jumpers straight from the dryer.  
  
SHE LIKED MY PRETTY POEM!  
  
"Never marry an artist..." He clucked in a motherly fashion.   
  
I HATE YOU! YOU DON'T LOVE ME! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!  
  
"Now that is quite enough young man!"  
  
IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE! YOU WANT ME TO HAVE BOYFRIENDS! YOU WANT ME TO BE GAY!   
  
I sobbed broken-heartedly into my Death Star pillow. I don't want to be gay!  
  
He came over and patted my back. "There, there. I love you no matter what Esplin."  
  
I looked up at him and smiled. Weally?  
  
"Yes."  
  
Even though I'm straight?   
  
"Of course!" Chapman said, and smoothed his yellow, flower patterned skirt.  
  
YAY! YOU'RE THE BEST SUBORDINATE/ADOPTED AUNTIE EVER!  
  
We hugged.  
  
Now get out. I ordered.   
  
"Yes Visser." He replied promptly and hurried out.  
  
Oh, and tell no one to disturb me. I...need...private time...to...think about Visser 27 and I...oooh!   
  
"You do that."   
  
I got bored thinking of Visser 27 though. Maybe he's right. Maybe she's too artsy for me...  
  
Bah, no reason to cancel a good date though.  
  
With nothing else to do, and no homework yet, I turned on my DVD player, and popped in the collectors edition of 'Attack of the Killer Zombie Vampire Andalite Babe Surfers that Just Happen to Also be Robotic!'  
  
I skipped ahead to the part where the hot looking Yeerk babe and her hot looking Andalite host are trapped in the dark cellar and all the dead Republican American presidents start coming out and grabbing at her and she's all screaming and stuff. (So funny...) And then, just as it's about to turn into this pervy scene where the Republicans are going to offer her as a virgin sacrifice to this tree's roots deep in the cellar and the tree's going to rape her, the young good looking Yeerk guy and his good looking Andalite host come in and start chopping heads off with a shovel, (because he doesn't have a tail because he was in some Soviet Russian war that he landed in the middle of), and he rescues the hot babe, and in the next scene they escape to this moonlit old gothic house that's all spooky and they make love. So awesome. It's hilarious because it's one of those really old movies that everything's all fake and plastic and the Republican blood is actually probably just some kind of sauce, and the tree makes roaring noises and stuff...  
  
I got bored of it though, and I've seen it about five thousand times, and decided to go online and mooch around.  
  
It has a sequel.  
  
'Revenge of the Republican Mummies Who Also Just Happen to be Part of Scotland Yard Somehow but It Isn't Really Relevant How They Are, Because All Of the Characters Are so Really, Really Good Looking.'  
  
Must get a hold of it. Maybe Auntie Chappie could get it for me...  
  
Must...obey...Sweenie...for...sake...of...hot...Yeerk...babe...movie...fight ing...will...to...rebel!  
  
Well hope you guys liked that. And no offense to anybody is meant by this. (Republicans included.)


	7. Valentines,valentines,valentines

10/23/07 - I just went back and edited this chapter due to some "quirks" in the punctuation. It should be more readable now. :)

YES! THE BIRDIE IS BACK!

BECAUSE NOW SHE HAS INTERNET AGAIN!

Ah yes, AOL! Life is good.

I'm trop sorry I couldn't update in like a year...

Well, I see a lot of new faces here on A lot of people I don't know. Hello people I don't know, and people who don't know me! I hope you like my odd taste of humor, that is actually quite refreshing.

Maybe...

Anyways. This is for all you Vissery fans out there! Love yaz!

And now, without further adue, (I don't know if that's how you really spell that...!) I present to you,

**Le (The) Valentines Visser Special!**

Enjoy...

_Entry something something_

Ah, l'amour.

My heart pounds with feveryishness. I am waiting for my dately.

She is to appear at my Blade ship, which is quite nice and cleanedy. I made sure Aunt Chappie cleaned it for her

Chapman's new lifestyle is hard to get used to, but I'm willing to adjust. It's not often a Visser will get someone who grovels at your feet who then turns out to be your transvestite hosted Auntie. Many Yeerks go through endless paperwork for such an opportunity. I'm not sure what companies they fill out paperwork for, but I'm sure they exist.

Anyways. There I was. Waiting.

And...waiting.

And waiting...

Maybe I should have picked her up...?

But then, just as I was about to decapitate a subordinate in sheer frustration and anxiety...

There she was!

Behind me, the anxious symphony orchestra I had infested just for this purpose began to pick up their strain of the Beatles "Something in the Way she Moves."

I grinned at her.

"Ah, finally!"

"Oh! Like, hi and stuff."

"Ummm yeah...see, you made me wait, like, an hour."

"Well, like sorry and all."

"Aha...sorry...and all...Yes, that just excuses everything doesn't it"

The orchestra stopped playing.

"Now Visser Three." Chapman said.

"Shut up Chapman. Look lady, when you go out with a Visser, you need to show some respect."

"I'm a Visser too. she snapped."

"Yeah, but...I'm...better than you"

"How?"

"WEll...I'm...erm...I'm...higher in rank. And stuff.

"WEll, you like, are all, like, male chauvinist and all."

"Well you're a feminazi."

"Am not."

"Are too! ANd you're an excusey liar."

"Well you can just find somebody who's perfect then!" she snarled.

"Fine! Maybe I will!" I cried, my heart broken.

I ran away crying. Oh, my gosh. Just so totally wrong.

I lie on my bed in my room holding Luke Skywalker again, slurping my Oatmeal smoothie, and listening to Madonna. She is _so_ deep.

"Visser?" I heard a knock at my door.

"GO AWAY!" I sobbed, in thoughtspeech, my soul totally destroyed by the thing known as 'love'.

He came in anyway. I threw Luke Skywalker, hitting him directly in the head. Or I should say 'her'.

He sat down beside me and patted my shoulder. I snuffled.

"Oh Aunt Chappie...it went so wrong."

"Yes, I saw Espy dear."

"It was so awful! She called me a male chauvinisty guy and she said I wasn't better than her and and and..." I wept the pain like, so great and all. "What did I do wrong?"

"Well, maybe you should just call her and tell her how you feel about it."

"I don't know...What if she laughs in my face? What if she says I look like George W. Bush when I'm angry? I don't know if I can take that Chapman..."

"Hee hee! You do look like George Bush when you're angry Visser!" he giggled happily.

"Uh, Chapman? Shut up."

"Oh, I know Visser, but it's just so cute! You get all squinty and..."

"Chapman. It's not a request. It's an order. Shut up."

"Ahem. Yes Visser."

I stood. Sometimes a Visser just has to do what he has to do, and you should never count your eggs before you put them in the bed.

Yeah. Something like that.

"Chapman, I must do it."

"Yes Visser" Chapman stood beside me."But...what are we doing exactly?"

"I don't know. But whatever it is, we've got to do it. For me."

"For you."

"Chapman?"

"Yes Visser?"

"Tooo the Yeerk Mobile!"

DONONONONONONON! SWIRLY LOGO OF A YEERK! TOTAL BATMAN RIP OFF MOMENT!

Swerving through space, we rode to my girlfriend's blade.

I got onto the ship and leapt up to her.

Aha! Fear not! I will rescue you from...erm...I don't know

"Hey. I like your costume."

I was squeezed rather uncomfortably into an old fashioned Batman costume. It ripped and busted as I stood there. Because it was meant for human beings to wear.

I got down on my...erm...knees...thingys...kind of...and looked up at her, from the floor, surrounded by shreds of Batman crap outfit stuff.

"I'm like, sorry about being all male chauvinisty and all."

"Oh, well." She looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry I called you a male chauvinist. You're not really."

"I'm not? Really."

She smiled and nodded. "Really."

Yay I leapt to my feet...erm...hooves...

So, we're still going out

"Um...yeah. Hey, thanks for the orchestra. They're kind of creepy though, they haven't stopped following me around and all..."

I looked at them. They were smiling crazily at us and playing.

RAAAAH I leapt upon them with my Visserly Vissery Wrath!

A few screams of agony and a few smacked up ochestrans and she was laughing.

Anything for a beautiful girl...

Twenty minutes later, we were watching _Attack of the Republicans the Sequel_, snuggled up on her couch thingy. We didn't make out because that's kind of hard when you're a Yeerk inside of an Andalite and your girlfriend is a Yeerk inside of a Hork-Bajir.

Erm, yeah. Plus it would have been a bit odd. Even just to attempt.

"So...what's your name anyway?" I asked, realizing I didn't know her actual Yeerkish name.

"Visser Twenty Seven." She said in a No Duh manner.

"No, I mean your real name. You know. Your name name."

"Oh. Unga 757."

What kind of name is _Unga?_


	8. And now for a quick tangent from out of ...

(Chapman!) I screamed hysterically. (My eyes are crossing! Aaaah!)

"What is it Visser?" he called from down the hall.

(Hurry Auntie! They're crossing!)

"I'm coming."

(Oh, wait! Nevermind! They're okay now!) I called as they returned to normal. (Forget it, nevermind!)

"Yes, Visser."

I continued to surf the web.

(Oooh! I can do it again!)


	9. After the date

Notesky: Nothing in this chappie is R for pervy okay? It's just kissing! Get over it! Promise!

Entry you know what.

Visser One is going to die in agony if I ever become a Council Member before she does.

Why? Simple. She's the crackhead who let my bandits go last time! Just let them go! To make me look like crap. What a frickin' idiot! Anybody that stupid- stupid enough to commit treason just to make me look bad- deserves a painful agonizing stretched out death.

But people seldom get what they deserve. And fire is pretty, but only on subordinates.

After a nice snuggly date, I figured the heifer would leave me alone for a while. Surely she knew I wasn't ready for a commitment!

But the very next day of our loverly relationship after our nicely date, when I was happily playing Pac Yeerk (little game in which a Yeerk toodles along in a little maze chasing Andalite bandits that alternately chase him- basically the story of my life in a little two dimensional crap game), she sent a message to me.

"Visser!" Chapman called through my door.

(Yyyyyeah?) I called, a little annoyed having just died on the game.

"There is a message for you on the screen!"

I sighed and turned to my computer screen, away from my twenty foot tall plasma t.v.

My girlfriend was looking at me on the screen.

"Like, hi and stuff."

(Erm. Yeah. Great. Whee. hi.) I said, very into my oh so important game. The game that determined whether or not I would go onto the next level and further my Pac Yeerk career, or fade into the standard loser obscurity. All four eyes locked intently on the screen.

"Um, yeah, I thought we could like, you know, do something together today if you're not too busy, since I'm not."

(Yeah. Sure. Whatever.) I said, watching Pac Yeerk scrunch and thrust across the screen.

"Okay, well, I guess I'll come over and you can morph Hork-Bajir and we can make out and stuff."

(Eww. Okay.) I said, thumbs moving hectically around on my controls.

"Well, um, goodbye."

(Goodbye.)

"I guess I'll see you soon."

(Yeah. Okay. Bye.)

"Love ya."

(Gooodbyyyyeeee.) I enunciated.

"Bye." She sounded sad. Awww. She loves me so much! I'm so lucky!

She came over and sat down on the floor beside me, reclining a little. She began to stroke my ear. I twitched it away. She leaned toward me and whispered. "Morph Hork-Bajir."

I sighed, and morphed, still holding my controls, and keeping my changing eyes on the screen. I winced as I almost died! but as I adjusted to Hork-Bajir, I became used to the eyesight and continued.

Then she began to do strange and scary things to me. I even screamed once involuntarily from great fear.

Soon I found her tongue down my throat and she was licking around in my mouth. I had my head turned to the side, so I could focus at least one eye on the screen.

She stopped for a moment and looked at me.

"How did that make you feel?"

(Erm. Annoyed. Distracted. And... a little hot.)

She grinned. "Good." Then she proceeded to continue this strange activity.

It was quite fun really, just a little nauseating. Soon Pac Yeerk was no longer as interesting as before... I just let the little guy keep dying after a while...

"So..." she said softly after a while. "How was that kiss?"

"Bdtheh, ith bahs, buh," my tongue was swollen. "Goob."

She grinned again. "Good? Good."

"Kinda slimy though." I said wrinkling my nose.

Her lower lip quivered.

"Noo! No, that's not what I meant! I didn't mean-"

"Oh no." she sobbed. "It's fine. I'm a f-f-filthy d-d-disgusting whore!" she burst into hysterical sobbing and ran from the room and left to her blade ship.

Feeling blue and lonely again, I demorphed to Andalite.

Total let down.

(Smooth talking Esplin!) I told myself. (Stop talking to yourself!)

Sigh. Not even Pac Yeerk could help me feel better now.

Just after she left the room Chapman came in sobbing and ran to me. His arms wrapped around me and he sobbed into my neck.

(Oooh no you don't!) I said and smacked him away with my tail. (In the name of all that is holy and sacred and oatmeal no...)

He lie on the floor sobbing for a while. He wept himself to sleep.

Feeling decent, I straightened his skirt, for it had hitched up.

Then also feeling a little bored I drew on his face with magic markers. So pretty!

Life is so depressing around here...

But also very amusing!


	10. Ah, it's nice to be aVisper?

Sigh.

A loveless week for me.

No time for lovey dovey.

Just wondering how Visser 27 is. How is she doing? What is she doing?

Hmm...

Bah. Probably executing some minor subordinate for something stupid. What any self respecting Visser would do.

Well, the Andalite bandits are at it again.

I was feeding, minding my own business and some little aristh nutcase attacks my leg in snake form! I almost lost Alloran! It would have been tragedy!

I had to swim my little Yeerk butt down the stream to safety!

Of course I have completely destroyed every last guard that was there of course. What is it with crap subordinates these days? What's a Visser got to do to snack safely?

Alloran begged the little wee Andalite to kill him, but of course he didn't. And we got there in time to rescue Alloran. Wheee!

I was of course, very relieved. So was Alloran.

Yes you were Alloran. Yes. Yes, yes, yes... Shh. Shut up now. The important person is talking.

So that's pretty much all on the Anda-front for now.

I keep meaning to set up my Andaporn trap, but I just don't have the time anymore really...

I have only had time for Sweeney.

Ah the absolute tragedy of my life. Solid Sweeney from here on in it seems. My pretty poem has still not freed me from her mad clutches.

Yesterday in Sweeney's Land of Anger Relief, we were supposed to make a dance to a song expressing our inner rage. So much fun! I used Yeerk music of course- Christina Aguilera's song "Dirty".

"What does that have to do with rage?" Visser One smirkily snapped as I finished my totally cool routine of waving my eyestalks like tentacles and shaking my rear in a rather attractive fashion.

(Shut up.) I answered, as usual, keeping my cool. She is such a sad, sad little person. I cannot allow her to make me angry. She's just not worth it...

"That was very, very...nice Visser Three." Sweeney said, looking rather confused. Sigh. Some people just don't get art.

Unlike me. I am a total artiste! I even said so to Visser One.

"Uh yeah, you're really, really autistic alright."

The other Vissers chortled. I felt my tail blade beginning to inch it's way towards her, but I forced myself to calm down.

"Vissers," Sweeney said, actually TOUCHING my shoulder by patting it. Ugh! "We have just seen an excellent control of anger! Visser Three, you are definitely near ready to leave this class! Everyone, kudos for Visser Three!"

Everyone clapped politely, grumbling while I smirked at Visser One smugly. Sweeney then actually turned to Visser One and said, "On the other hand, I have seen downright sadism out of you Visser One."

"Oooooh!" The other Vissers chorused, some laughing.

"You will not be leaving this class any time soon, unless we see some serious improvement."

I laughed my blue butt off while Visser One stared at Sweeney in disbelief. Visser One's dance sucked by the way. She just spent about a minute banging her head to some Madonna song. It was scary. But also very amusing. I almost died from lack of oxygen because I was laughing so hard.

No. Really. They had to have an emergency team actually come in and revive me. It was fun! Whee! Pure oxygen is fun!

I still feel kind of light headed. I did get to see Visser 27's dance. It was kind of weird really. Everyone was enthralled and stared and was quiet the whole time. She kept doing this weirdosa thing with her arms, waving them about and she stared wide eyed and possessed at the ceiling the whole time. I think Chapman may be right about artsy chicks... Besides that she used the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.' I didn't really see what that had to do with anger, but it was interesting all the same...

Heh. Heh. Kind of funny really. A possessed Hork-Bajir Beatles' fan. Heh.

I wrote her a note in class.

UNGA,

IM WEALLY SOWWY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE YOUR LITTLE YEERK BABIES THINGUMS IF BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE. IM REALLY SORRY THAT I SAID YOUR KISS WAS SLIMY BUT YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH. I MEANT TO SAY THAT IT WAS SLIMY IN A TASTY AND SEXY WAY. PEEZ DO NOT DUMP ME. I NEED YOUR BODY (NOT YOUR HOST) FOR MY LOVEY LOVEY STUFF. YOU MAKE ME KUIVER WITH ANTISSIPATION.

LOVE,

ESpLiN

And she wrote me back.

Esplin,

Sorry I overreacted the other day.

You spelled 'quiver' wrong. Oh, and 'anticipation'.

Oh crap, sorry for correcting you.

Love,

Unga

PS I liked your dance. It was like, really deep.

PPS And incredibly sexy. . !

She liked my dance! And she signed it 'Love, Unga'! And... she corrected me.

Ah well. She apologized for it. There was already too much turbulency in this relationshipy thingy without me griping at her for correcting me.

Even though it did make me twitch a little. Just a bit. Yeah.

But to reconcile and show her that I loved her still, I drew her a pretty picture of me and her together with a big heart between us over our heads a bit, to signify the love between us, and then some orchestra members falling from the sky in the backround and screaming in terror. And Lucy in the Sky with diamonds was Visser One, and her head was missing. I drew it on the other end of the picture.

Unga smiled looking rather pleased when she got my picture.

Ah love.

My door opened today while I was surfing the net and chatting to Unga.

Bah! Chapman!

(What do you want Chapsie?) I said, watching him warily. He's been rather odd lately. I'm kind of worried about him really. The whole Taxxon incident and all the crap I put him through every day. He must be breaking under it all really. He's so cute. So brave and pathetic. He keeps it all bottled inside and ends up all twitchy. He really needs to learn the value of venting on subordinates.

"Oh, nothing Visper. I saw a white swan and she was a teacozy of a beavering whelp."

(Chapsie, erm. Are you high right now?)

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said with wide eyes. Then he began to make sharp inhaling sort of wheezing noises. I became worried for his safety and well being. As well as my own. So I knocked him out with my tail blade.

(Guards!) I called in my standard Hork-Bajir hosted Yeerk goons.

(Chapsie appears to be malfunctioning. Mentally. Please kindly take him to the ship shrink and tell him that if my Chapsie isn't better in an hour, he will die a horrible shrink worthy death.)

They hurried away to obediently and lovingly do my bidding like good little subordinates.

Ah, it's nice to be a Visper.


	11. A Gift from Aunt Chapsie

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy and -

No wait, that's not it. Sorry. Stupid Britney Spears. Hold on. Let me turn the stereo off.

There we go. Ah yes. Nice and quietely!

It has been a while since I have troubled you to type into your lovelyness, troubled your absolute supreme diaryness with my Visserly woes, but today, I am greatly distressed.

I have once again been foiled by the Andalite Bandits.

Excuse me while I have another twitch fest darling.

Ah, I am back. That was magnificent. I think I might have killed a few subordinates downstairs by knocking over my jar of acid that I keep just in case I catch a delicious Andalite, but no worries. I'm sure it will burn itself out on the next thirty stories down before it burns a whole in the hull of the ship. And when it comes to subordinates, there are plenty more fish in the zoo. Or...something like that... Whatever. Anyway. The point is, it's all good, right?

Ah, there you have it. I was wrong. The alarm lights are coming on.

I must go before I get sucked into the vacuum of space!

Farewell for now, darling!

-Esplin

Dearest Recovered Diary,

Unfortunately, YOU were sucked into the vacuum of space, but here you are, safe and sound in my clutches at last.

Chapsie spotted you with his brilliant eyes. How he was able to distinguish you from billions of stars, I do not know, but he did. Congratulations to him. I officially gave him the day off.

And what does Chapsie do on his day off, except visit me?

We had a lovely tea, and Chapsie and I discussed shaving our legs, decorative knicknacks, and other Visserly things. Then, as he was leaving, he informed me of something fascinating.

"Oh! I nearly forgot!"

"Oooh! What did you nearly forget? A surprise??"

"Yes, a lovely surprise for you Visser."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOH! WHATZIT?"

"You have a darling female Andalite in your possession."

"OOOOOOOOOH! CHAPSIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S LIKE BUTTER BUT IT'S NOT -Wait... Why exactly do I care about this?"

"I don't know...I suppose? Oh! Darling just enjoy it!" he kissed me on the cheek. "Goodbye sweetheart! I'm off to work again!"

"Goodbye Auntie! But why off so soon?"

"Well, you know my boss. He's...a Visser."

We laughed poshly together.

"Ciao darling!"

"Ciao Auntie!"

Chapman came back in a moment later, looking rushed and flustered.

"Visser! I'm sorry!"

fWAP! I smacked the impudent Chapsie! He is my Chapsie, but how dare he arrive late? He knows I have needs! I...I forget things! Like...where the bath is! I have to run part of an empire dammit! I can't be bothered to remember something so mundane!

"I'm sorry Visser!" he sobbed.

"NEVER MIND THIS! YOU'RE INCOMPETENT! I HAD TO HEAR FROM MY AUNT THAT A FEMALE ANDALITE WAS CAPTURED! AND...why are you still in a dress??"

"Oh, sorry!" he ripped it off, revealing his regular Vice Principal of the human school suit underneath.

"And the flowered hat!"

"Yes Visser!" it was tossed away instantly out into the hall.

"And the pearls!"

"Oh, but Visser!" he began to whine and pout.

"THE PEARLS!" I boomed.

"Yes, Visser." he said glumly and snatched them off, his eyes moist, stuffing them into his pocket for later use.

"Chapsie," I said with a sigh, rubbing my forehead. "I am willing to play your little cosplay with you. But it is somewhat necessary that you arrive on your regular scheduled time, dressed properly - "

"I know, I'm sorry Visser!"

"DON'T CUT ME OFF!" I cried with Visserly indignance.

"I'm sorry Visser!" he sobbed. "I fail! I FAIL!"

He wept brokenly at my feet.

"Never mind these dramatic distractions!!!" I was getting frustrated! "What about this...female?"

"Yes, Visser!" he rose to his feet. I handed him a hankie.

"Lipstick Chapsie. It's for the lipstick, not the tears."

"Oh, okay Visser." he cried some more as he wiped off his favorite color. Perfectly Peach. $5.99 a tube. Wasn't cheap, you know.

"Let the tears flow, Chapsie. It's alright."

"Thank you Visser." Chapsie smiled at me with goo goo eyes shining.

"Aww. You're making me sick. Now bring my present!" I clapped my hands and bounced impatiently.

I couldn't wait to see this female Andalite! There was apparently some kind of purpose to such a prisoner, but I didn't know what it was yet...surely somewhere in Alloran's memories...!

What's that Alloran? Okay, shut up now. Shut up. Good boy. You don't know anything. Okay?

Oh what a stupid idea! Mating! HA! That's what my Unga boo is for!

Andalite females and Andalite males don't mate! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever - Oh.

Oh right. That's why...yeah, males and females...and one goes in and one goes out, oh, yeah, I...I gotcha...

blushies

SHUT UP ALLORAN! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN'T KNOW! SHUT UP! NOW!

I'll punish you! I'll punish you with...with...Sweeny thoughts!

Yes, that's right! I will! UGH! I'd hate to do that to you, even to you Alloran, but I WILL! If I have to...!

Oh please don't make me!

Yes, that's right...good boy. Just remember...you and her...in a bedroom!

I don't want to do it but I will if I have to, Alloran...

Oh I am so depraved.

Oh well. :: . I have an Andalite female!

And then I realized it!

"OH NO! CHAPSIE! COME BACK!" I couldn't have HER in here! What if Unga came in and thought...Nooo! I couldn't let that happen!

And then SHE came in! The Evil One!

She stared at me with wide eyes.

"NO!" she screamed...and...threw herself at me?

Her arms grabbed onto my forelegs. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ow! My head!" I moaned as my head was filled with awful thoughtspeech shrieking.

"PLEASE DON'T RAPE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She snuggled against my legs imploringly. "PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!"

She threw herself onto her back and held an arm over her face in despair, legs and tail thrown open.

"EWww!" I covered my eyes. "Stop it! Close your legs!"

"Oh please!" she moaned. "Don't force me! I - I don't know anything about males!"

"MMMMMMmmmmm - hmmmmmm!" I snapped my fingers. "Sure, honey."

"Please! Be gentle! I-I-I've never been with anyone before!" She blinked big wide eyes at me.

"Pfft. Well no wonder, sweetie." I muttered. I felt an almost...parentally...ish...responsibility to this...thing!

"What?" she stared with wide eyes. "Wh-what did you s-s-say?"

"CLOSE YOUR LEGS." I bellowed at her. She did and trembled. I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of disappointment in her eyes, but...

"I already have someone. I do not need a...a...a thingy..."

She giggled. "You mean..." she blushed. "A mistress?" Her eyes got big and googly at the word.

"Erm...yeah. Whatever."

She smiled "ARE YOU SURE?"

"Eh, yeah! I mean... no! What? Wait! I...I don't understand!" I must have missed out on part of the conversation! Stupid complex Andalites!

"REALLY? OH!" She ran to me and - no! - put her arms around me!

"NOOOOOOOOO! That's not what I meant!"

"Oh!" she stared up at me with terror in her eyes. "Oh please! Don't beat me! I'll be good! I'll - I'll -" she blushed and looked away. "I'll please you!"

"What??" I turned purple. "I - you - that's - I NEVER SAID THAT!!! Get away from me!"

She trembled and stood back. "Are -are - you going to..." her lids dropped low. "Spank me?"

"Eewwwwww! Get away!" I shivered as I ran over to the hopefully safe side of my chambers. Maybe it couldn't follow. Maybe it didn't know how to follow.

No such luck!

I was confused because I did not see it at first. But I looked down and ugh! BEHOLD! It was attached to my leg!

"Oh, Visser!" she cried, her eyes all cloudy and...blegh!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Chapman get it OFF!"

Chapsie came in with his pepper spray and baton.

"No Chapsie, we're not that mean. Use the water gun."

"Ha ha!" Chapsie sprayed her with the water gun!

"Eeeh!" she cried and ran to her little Ramonite box.

"Good girl." I said, satisfied.

And now I am updating you again, typing away and - LAKWJEROLAKSDFLwekfnawlkn!

Hello. I am back. The nasty thing was reading over my shoulder.

I turned my head and HUGE GREEN EYES BLECH were staring right into mine.

She was all giggly too.

"You were writing about meeeee! Eeh hee hee hee!"

"BAAAAAAH!" I screamed. "GET AWAY!"

It clung to my neck! The nasty little rag wouldn't let go!

"Let GO HO!" We crashed around, knocking consoles and other such Visserly crap everywhere.

"No! Please! Oh! DON'T VIOLATE MEEE!"

"Ewwww! That's NOT going to happen, loser!" I was about to faint from lack of air! "YOU'RE FAT! LET GO!"

She did. She stared at me with huge eyes.

"I'm...fat?" She looked down at the floor. I heard whimpering noises a moment later.

"Awww. I didn't mean that. Come here." I gently patted her shoulder. "You're not fat at all. I just like to breathe, that's all. Besides, I like big females." I continued, thinking of how tall Unga was compared to me...yeah, I did like big females...

"Re-re-really?" she sobbed.

"Really."

"YAY!" She threw her arms around my ribs!

"Gbuh! Crushing!" I tried to move the wiry little arms! She was a lot stronger than she looked!

"GET OFF!" I threw her...oh no! Onto the bed!

"Oh NO!" she moaned with, I'm sorry, but it must have been, yes, joy. Yep. There was no mistaking that joy. "Please, don't!"

I began to cry. "I just want to go to bed!"

"Oh Visser!" she pulled her torso up to look at me. "I - I - I'll do ANYTHING!"

"Eww! I believe that."

"But please! Don't...don't have me infested!"

I grinned suddenly. There it was! The solution!

No...no...I couldn't do that. The Council...they would have me permanently imprisoned for such cruelty to a subordinate.

Besides, no one would want her anyway. They'd rather pick Kandrona starvation...

I'd rather pick Kandrona starvation...

Or Oatmeal...oooh...mmmmm...Oaaatmeaaaal...

"Oh Visser, you look...so DREAMY! I misjudged you, I think! Ohhh!" she threw her torso back onto MY PILLOW! and relaxed.

How to get rid of it! How to get rid of it!

"WHAT IS IT?" Oh, my head! I was too tired to think of all this right now anyway! "WHERE DID IT COME FROM?? WHO SENT YOU?? You're from Visser One aren't you? KILL IT!!!"

Chapman came in, ROARING chainsaw in tow.

"Where is it Visser?"

"It's on the bed, dammit!"

He grinned and advanced. Her eyes grew wide.

"Oh Chapsie, noooooooo!" I took the chainsaw from him and threw it into the wall. It BRRRRRRed into the next room where it burst a Taxxon.

"SHHREEEEEEEE!"

"No, Chapsie, no. I don't want a mess in here! I'm tired! Look, just get it off the bed, that's all I'm asking!"

She relaxed. Chapsie sighed with disappointment. A Hork Bajir in the other room began to mop up the Taxxon mess with a long sigh.

"Alright Visser. But you know, I told you she would only bring you tears!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!" he stared at me, pausing in between putting on his helmet and plastic shield and readying his baton and pepper spray.

"No, you said that about Unga."

"Oh, right! Well...I was wrong about her, you know?"

"Really?"

"Yes," he admitted, nodding with shame.

I was touched. "Aww, Chapsie!"

"Excuse me!" the thing cried, looking fearfully at Chapsie's gear. I almost felt sorry for it.

Well, alright. Maybe I was tired. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting soft... but I did actually feel sorry for her.

"Chapsie, be nice and use the water gun."

Chapsie was way ahead of me though.

"Take that, floozie!" he sprayed with the plastic green water gun at her.

"Eeeh!" she hid in her little box again.

I happily fell down onto my bed then, snuggled up to Luke Skywalker Plushie, and fell asleep.

But yes, I am updating now and that was last night. Ah, delicious quiet. I've been watching the Ramonite box and she has not yet emerged.

She's planning...watching...and...waiting... She'll bide her time alright... she's waiting...planning...

Ugh. Shudderyness!

Well, I must go and do more Visserly work and...watch my back!

Make sure above all THAT UNGA DOES NOT SEE HER!!!

Still suspicious of Visser One,

Esplin


	12. Tomato Juice day

Dearest Diary,

This is the worst day of my Visserly life. Actually, this is the worst day of my life period. This is the worst day in the history of the Empire. It must be. I mean, I AM the Empire, right??

But anyway, dearest and most secretive of Diaries, not even that little cretin will approach me today. That's how lowly your Esplin has fallen.

For I, oh most sympathetic Diary, am rank.

I smell with the intensity of a thousand farts on high power, and I reek with the magnitude of a million Taxxon craps.

I smell so bad, Chapsie refuses to come in here, even under some of the most horriffic death threats your Esplin has ever uttered. And that awful little tramp is banging on the door of my quarters begging to be let out (But i'm going to make her stay in here with me! Bwa ha ha ha ha!)

This is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

(PLEEEAAASE!) the cretin screamed earlier this morning. (IT'S AWFUL! LET ME OUT! OH PLEASE, PLEASE! I'LL - I'LL BE YOUR HOST!)

(NO!) I yelled, trying to warn the fools. (She's not worth it!)

Even without the STANK that would whoosh out upon opening the door, she wouldn't be worth it.

This smell is truly hideous. It is just ugly. It's just a fugly fugly, hideous smell. You can't even cover it up with a nice drop of AndaMusk for Males, and believe me I've tried! I've tried a whole bottle. It just won't stop!

But I suppose I should explain where this rankness comes from, and I will tell you. Yes, dear Diary, I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID THIS TO ME!

Take a very wild guess.

No, not Visser One, though I would never put it past her. (She smells like this anyway, I mean, honestly!)

The Andalite Bandits. Yes. They've done it again, and worst of all dear Diary, it wasn't even all of them. It was only one of them. Just one.

In a skunk morph.

Here lies the true humiliation of my Visserly STANK. It's not even Andalite technology imposed. It is something from this pitiful planet. Whose animal life I will now take even more pleasure in destroying!

And there will metal poles on every corner with those little pine trees hanging from them evermore!

Except they'll be oatmeal. Instead of pine. Yes.

I am going to turn Earth into a Yeerk spa. Behold! I shall call it...Spa! Yes, there we have it!

Aha! What's this?? Affirmative action is to be taken it seems!

They're opening the door!

(NOOOOOO!) I yelled. (YOU FOOLS!) I didn't want this scent to get spread to the rest of the ship!

But Chapsie is wise and has emerged - in a body suit!

Aunt Chapsie, it seems, can even make a body suit look stylish. Even a dayglo orange one with OMIGOSH BIOLOGICAL DANGERRR!111! printed on the front of it, around a hazard picture of a Yeerk throwing up.

And there are Hork-Bajir in body suits as well.

(Eeeeeh!) She's running out the door!

(STOP HER!) We couldn't have her running around the ship! What if Unga, in a fit of insanity decided to visit me despite my twenty messages holding warnings to stay away for her own biological safety??

Aha, she has just been tackled by about three Hork-Bajir.

(PLEASE!) She screamed. (NO! I can't BREATHE!)

Ah, they are putting an air mask on her face.

(STOP WASTING VALUABLE OXYGEN YOU CLODS!)

Ha ha! They have taken it off!

(N0000!)

(Ha ha ha! That's what you get for being Aunt Chapsie's present.)

Hee hee hee! Her eyes are watering! I didn't even know that was possible with the Andalite physique...

Oh well.

It must smell excrutiating in here then. I myself have become quite used to it. ::

Chapsie is telling me something! I must go now Diary! I shall tell you more later!

Dearest Diary,

I am updating now, from my jacuzzi. Chapsie is wise, and has found out that it was not grape juice, as the tricksy Andalites did indeed lie to your beloved Visser.

It is tomato sauce.

"Visser!" Chapsie just gave me excellent news too!

(What is it Chapsie?) I said, lazily reclining in a sexy, Visserly fashion in my tomato sauce filled jaccuzi. Also feeling like Visserly pasta...Mmmm...very sexy, delicious blue pasta...

"The announcement has been made! Esplin 9466 has officially declared this month's stylish fragrance Tomato Musk!"

(Good. Very good, Chapsie!)

"Bon appetit, Visser!" He called merrily, glad to be of service like the wonderful subordinate he is.

(Ah, thank you, thank you. I shall indeed.)

And it smells much better in here now. Like pasta, and...of course, oatmeal scented candles. Mmmm, delicious intoxicating fragrance.

Her eyes aren't watering anymore, or now they're watering less anyway, she's, it, the cretin I mean, oh Hell –

(You there! What is your name!)

(Oooh! Visser!) Ha! She comes close to me now that I am delicious Visseroli!

(No get away from me! Stay there, right where you are, ho!)

She looked sadly at me.

(What is your name, you idiot?? You have a name don't you??)

(Oh!) she giggled. (I am Random-Female-Andalite, daughter of Captain Really-Important-Guy and Some-Andalite-Lady.)

(Whatever.) Stupid Andalites and their fancy names! Oh, I bet she felt so special, and, better than my poor Unga with her…Unga name!

(Go back to your box!)

(But-)

(I SAYs I SAYS GIT, girl!) I whipped my tail at her. Swishy swishy!

(Eeeh!) she ran back to her box again.

(Ah, that's much better. Mmmm…pasta filled silence.) My tomato sauce was bubbling a little now. Oooh, and it smelled very good too!

(Chapsie, I think I'm done!)

Will write more later,

With love,

Esplin (Who now smells verreh good and would do well with some Parmesan.)


End file.
